Need a Little Help There???

I often wonder how my sister and I made it through our childhood years unharmed by my mother's roughness.  Roughness?  Spacey-ness?  (<-- Yes, that's a word!)  Everything this lady does is so rough and NON-delicate.  She's like a bull in a china shop, people!

My mama dyes her hair on her own most days.  Occasionally, I assist her.  The majority of the time, she dyes her hair some shade of brown.  However, if for some reason she ever dyed her hair red, you would think her bathroom was a crime scene!  It boggles my mind how she makes such a mess.  She gets dye on the wall, down the cabinets, all over the floor, and—most importantly—all over herself!  Now I'm not talking about the random drop of dye that sneaks its way down your forehead.  No.  I'm talking about it looks like she became confused mid-dye, and tried to dye her face—not her hair.  Think I'm exaggerating???  Fine.  I'll prove it.

I would just like to point out the dye that has somehow made its way underneath her chin.  Oh!  And also, to that "pool" of dye behind her ear.  And lastly, let me just say that this was not a one-time thing.  No, my friends.  This is every time.  This is her life.  I'll just give you a moment to soak that in…

GRRRRR!!!

Bonus post!!!!  This site refuses to allow me use the same font for each post.  Sorry for the inconsistency!  See?!?!?!?!?!

*Sigh*

Hi there!  I know...  I know...  It's been a while.  So sorry to leave you hanging like that, but Yo Mama (my mama) hasn't been giving me much to work with lately.  Now, I know what you're thinking: "But My Mother's Child, you said that you have years’ worth of stories about Yo Mama.  Why not just use one of those?!"  Well, my dear friends...  Those stories are far too great to just use them all up at once.  They need to be strategically spaced out.  But fret not!  I have new material!  Here's a teaser: one involves a temper tantrum thrown by my lovely mother.  But we'll get into that story at a different time.

Recently, my mama got a brand new, shiny iPhone 5.  Too much phone for her?  I think so.  This iPhone has given me quite a few stories for this here blog, and she hasn't even had it a month!

On to the first story.  My mom is quite the texter.  <--Is that a word??  It is now!  Like I said, that woman loooovvveeesss to text.  And with that shiny, new iPhone, she can hardly contain herself!  Well, it was quite apparent that she discovered a new feature the other day.  No need to explain.  You'll see what I mean.

 

Since then, 99.5% of her texts contain some kind of emoji icon.  *sigh*  This is my life, people.

Shirt(?)

Where my mother and I live, the summer days can easily reach 110 degrees.  So one would assume that the normal person would try to wear as little clothes as possible in such hot weather, right?  Right.  And one would also assume that the same would apply for my mother, right?  Right.  (I would just like to say that it's great that you and I have so much in common, and can agree on all of these things.  It makes writing this post so much easier.)

Well, sadly, we (Yes, we.  You are now a part of the team.) were wrong to assume such a thing about the lady that I call “Mom”.  About two summers ago, my mother came home from work in a shirt(?).  ß That question mark is there, because I'm not sure that what she had on could be described as a shirt.  This thing looked like the asymmetrical, polyester love child of Star Trek and Prince.  This shirt(?) (there goes that pesky question mark again) was so bad that I forced her to let me take a picture.  And then I proceeded to text that picture to everyone that I knew.  (Don't judge me!  This blog is about my mother.  Please try to stay on topic, people.)  Well.... instead of me trying to explain this shirt(?) to you any further, let me just show you:

 

WHAT?!  IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, after my first post, Blogger flagged me as a potential “spam blog”. What does Blogger define as a spam blog?????

“Blogs engaged in this behavior are called spam blogs, and can be recognized by their irrelevant, repetitive, or nonsensical text…”

Excuuuuussseeee me? I think I might be offended. There is nothing irrelevant, repetitive, OR nonsensical about my text. Okay… maybe irrelevant to some, and nonsensical to others, but definitely not repetitive. *hmph* So that’s why you guys saw that little warning message and “proceed” button before you were able to view my page. Grrr…

Now, let’s get back on subject. Some of you may be wondering how my mother feels about this blog dedicated solely to her antics. Below are a few quotes from her about the blog (along with my witty commentary):

· “I really don’t think that I do enough funny stuff to have an entire blog written about me.”

I think that sounds like a challenge!

· “I guess you can just read this blog at my funeral.”

Now is the time that I ask you, dear reader, to take a gander back at the subtitle of this blog: 100% true, 0% exaggerated. You see?! I told you that she’s in on the funeral stories! As I said before, this is a TEAM EFFORT, PEOPLE. ß I guess that was repetitive, huh? *hangs head in despair*

Hi and welcome!  For those of you who may not know what a “Yo Mama Story” is, it’s basically just a funny story about… YO MAMA.  Well… about MY mama in this case.  But you get the idea.  My sister and I have hundreds, possibly thoooouuuuussssands, of Yo Mama Stories.  So many, that anytime I call my sister in the evening (when she knows that my mother is off work and wreaking havoc), she answers the phone with, “Oh no… What did yo mama do now?!”  Hence the title of this blog!  (Clever, huh?  Thanks.)

For AGES, my sister and I have talked about writing a book about all of the Yo Mama stories that we’ve compiled over the years.  Then we decided that writing a book would be too much work, so we agreed on just sharing the best of our stories with the guests at our mother’s funeral.  Morbid?!  Naaaahhhhh.  Okay, maybe a little bit.  But our mother is fully aware of our intentions, and even helps by assisting us with picking which stories should be shared.  This is a TEAM effort, people!

Then one day it hit me!  “I’m sitting on a gold mine here!”  My mother provides me with a new Yo Mama story almost every day.  Why not share them with everyone else?!  So, that’s the purpose of this blog.  To share with all of you my Yo Mama stories. 

No matter how hard it may be to believe, all of these stories are true!  Occasionally, I’ll even have pictures or video to prove it.

To get things started, here’s a screenshot of an actual text message between my mother and me. Her messages are in white. Mine in blue. Enjoy!